I didn’t know I was gay right away. There were little things here and there that seemed to make me feel like I was different than most boys. When I was 6 I kissed my best friend at the time Evan. I did this on the bus on the way home from school in front of at least 4 other kids. Even as an adult looking back on it, that behavior seemed strange. Even more so, I called him Charlene when I did it. There has never been a Charlene in my life.
I never really had a girlfriend. I did date girls, but there wasn’t really one girl I would say I went steady with. The whole time I was growing up I felt lonely because I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find a girlfriend that made me happy. All of the really pretty girls were cunts, or they thought I was creepy, or they were dating someone else. I grew up in bible belt South Carolina. So to be a yankee, Catholic, libertarian, who’s father was very involved in the community placed me in an awkward position.
I was very involved growing up. Lots of after school programs and activities. Once I was 12 it was all about football and wrestling. When I didn’t have a season, I was at the gym at least 4 times a week. I was lead to believe that if I got a football or wrestling scholarship, that it would alleviate a lot of trouble and expenses once I got into college. So I always strove to be better than my predecessors if not the best there ever was. Football to me was fun, but kind of a shit shoot. It was a team sport with “political” system. There were over 22 starting positions available, and unless your talent was amazing or your parents were involved with the booster club, you pretty much rode the pine. HOWEVER, my brother and I both started our junior years, but frankly I felt like I went to the wrong school to play football.
Wrestling however, was much more my thing. Obviously to a lot of guys they just assume that I loved wrestling because it’s homoerotic. That it simulates aggressive gay sex. In a lot of ways, it does. But I can go on record saying, I have never received an erection while wrestling anyone. Was I attracted to other wrestlers? Of course. Was I able to control my urges and go through out my wrestling career without being harassed for being gay? Luckily, Yeah. They didn’t know I was gay. I was fucking around with some guys at this point, but I was not out to ANYONE. I had countless fantasies about my coach, some of my teammates, and even some of my competition. Most of the guys in my weight class were trolls. Some of them were quite hot. Considering all the guys I wrestled were over 200, they all had a good amount of meat on them.
I took quite a lot of pride in my wrestling. I learned unorthodox moves that were not really practiced in my weight class because most guys in my class were lazy and didn’t do moves to take chances. I learned from college wrestlers from all over the country how to be a great heavy weight. I was right in the middle. Heavy Weights are 215-275, I usually wrestled at 235. It was the healthiest weight I’ve ever been at in my opinion. But the workout you do for wrestling practice makes it easy to stay so thin and in shape.
I realized I liked men when I would watch MTV’s Spring Break. Right when I started puberty, I would see these hot guys with their shirts off and I admired them. I wanted to be them. I thought they were so cool, and if I looked like them, I too would be cool. I started messing around with guys as soon as I had a car. I lived in podunk Lexington, SC. They are so conservative there. No gay community. I had to do a lot of traveling to downtown Columbia, SC in order to hook up with older guys and frat boys. And even then there were a few times where I drove to Aiken, Charleston, and Charlotte just to meet guys over an hour away. All the while lying to my parents about where I was going and what I was doing. It was during this time period I fucked around with my muscle daddy hermit for the first time. That very incident is what confirmed I liked men to my family.
My family shared a computer. My dad knew everyone’s password to their email accounts under Outlook Express. A day or two after I messed around with Muscle Daddy Hermit, my dad was checking his email, and without a thought entered my password along with his so he could check for all emails at once. It wasn’t a witch hunt, it just happened from routine of logging in. He read his email, then he “accidently” read mine. This email was praise from Muscle Daddy Hermit for pounding his ass and wishing we could get together again soon. I didn’t even discover he knew until I went to check my email hours later, and realized this newer message had already been read.
At that point I confessed to my family that I had a sexual attraction toward men, but couldn’t see myself in love with another man. I continued to chase women, but I also fucked men during this time period. My father feared that older men like the hermit would try to take advantage of me and possibly give me a disease. My mother figured I would never have children, or even get married. My brother just thought it was all gross.
The interesting thing was that for years I never met a guy that wanted to date, so declaring that I would not be in love with another man seemed to make sense. Maybe I could be saved. Maybe this was all an experiment or a phase. I mean after all I still fucked women and I still enjoyed it right? NO, NOT REALLY. Women were a lot of drama and work. The whole idea of heterosexual courtship gives me a headache.
With women, you need to play hard to get, meet their parents usually, and spend a bunch of money on them to show them that you are interested. Even then the girl is usually inexperienced or a prude, holding out for you to do more for her. That or maybe southern belles just don’t know how to tell me they aren’t that interested. Every time I was with a girl, I felt like it was expected of me, even slightly forced. I believed that this act was supposed to happen, not that I genuinely wanted it to happen. I figured that being with a woman was supposed to be complicated and unpredictable. I had seen so many guys I went to school with wrap girls around their fingers and likewise girls wrapping guys around their fingers. I couldn’t understand this game and the stupid shit they did to each other.
With Men, it was quite easy. You give the other guy your statistics and a picture or two. You talk about what you’re into. You decided who can host where and when. And then you just fucking go do it. There is no square dance. There is no true formality to it. You state the obvious, you define what is attractive and fun to you, and if the other guy fits your mold more than 50% than you meet up and fuck. It’s that simple. You don’t argue over family values. You don’t discuss plans for after graduation. You don’t worry about whether or not you got the chick pregnant. On a side note, I fucked a girl once, took her virginity, and her friend called me up three weeks later and told me she was late. Even though I wore a rubber and didn’t even cum NEAR her, her friend claimed I got her pregnant. Long story short, the girl in question called an apologized a day or two later for her friend’s hoax and I realized that girls were too much fucking drama. Who else would stage a fake pregnancy scare to get my attention instead of just calling to ask me how I’ve been?
When I was in college things got creative. My freshman year I had no where to host anyone with my first roommate. I lived with a dysfunctional straight guy who was deep into poetry. It wasn’t until later I moved into a 4 bedroom suite with two other gay guys and the RA that I got any satisfaction. I would venture around campus and hook up with various guys that were available. It was satiating but a huge pain in the ass. There were plenty of guys on campus who were ready to come out, but that didn’t mean they were on the same network as me or had the same friends or had the same comfort zone about discussing their needs. I focused on school and gym and tried to only have sex once or twice a week. Funny thing was that when I tried to limit sex, the more often it came forward. I guess it was a natural sign that life finds a way.
However, I found that most guys at USC were up their own asses. I didn’t start dating anyone until I was 20. At that point I was involved with a few after school activities and my boyfriend was 23. He supported all my activities. He even showed up to support my endeavours. I couldn’t be happier. He was at my rehearsal and he loved when I sang to him. “Oh What a Lovely War.” Such a great show for me. The arena was amazing and allowed for so many possibilities. He didn’t get my full attention though. Between trying to finish school and partying and working 30 hours a week, it was sometimes hard for us. We eventually broke up, but people grow apart. I had another boyfriend for a few months a year later, and now I’m with the love of my life, Jorge “Cubby” Bencomo.
Realizing you’re gay isn’t easy. Growing into your own skin as a gay man can be difficult for a lot of men. There’s nothing wrong with it. Every man has their own process. And some men choose to live a lie. I was tired of my denial. I realized lying to everyone I loved was making me sick. I disgusted myself with all the fabrications I created in order to hide the truth. When you start drinking all the time to suppress the guilt from all the denial and loneliness, there’s a breaking point. Granted I eventually got in a car accident before I realized I had a problem drinking which was caused by repressing my homosexuality. It was killing me. So I came out of the closet, and I decided to live.